how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
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Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”