“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
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It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.