How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
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[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can