“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
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Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
remember
only for emergencies
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.