How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
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my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
