how it started vs how it ended
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Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.