@WilliamAder

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

You Might Also Like

@bobsin

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

@OldUncleDaveO

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

@SteveKoehler22

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

@sfreeze6

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

@_SouthernMama

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

@rusty_coach

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

@rickolantern

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

@Marlebean

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

@EJGomez

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT