How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi