how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
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Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
#oldknees
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.