How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
You Might Also Like
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?