How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
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*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings