How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
You Might Also Like
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Tell me you get it…🤣
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced