How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
You Might Also Like
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.