How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
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If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.