How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
i now pronounce you bounced.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
💻🤡
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries