How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Brands during Pride
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”