How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*