@Aspersioncast

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

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@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

@adamzopf

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

@MoistPork

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

@ExcuseMyTweets

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

@awescar

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

@merican_ninjy

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

@Shariv67

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.