How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Nice try, NASA
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack