How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
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Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
even bears disappoint their mothers
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached