How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Me trying to reach for my goals