How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.


Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”


Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…


Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”


[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”


Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…


This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”


I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat