@yoyoha

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

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@HomeProbably

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.

@KatieDeal99

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@STRIKINGxVIKING

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

@Book_Krazy

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

@girl_a_whirl

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

@Clanopath

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

@nurse_death

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat