My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Priest: What is your name?
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…