how long have you had this for?
You Might Also Like
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.