How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
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Dishonest mechanic?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Friday night party time 🥳
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Lucky old June.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?