How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
why am I working on Labor Day
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?