How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.