HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Krampus.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.