How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I saw nothing
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
And now we wait
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.