How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.