how many bears make up a bear minimum
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.