How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
wow he looks just like him
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well