How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.