How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Florida man
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”