How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
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*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro