How many calories are in Twitter beef?
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I falcon love using swear birds
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
this is the best day of my life
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”