How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.