How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
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‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.