How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993


I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.


Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.


Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.


Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl


I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now


I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.


is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?