@DALIA

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

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@chuchugoogoo

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

@ddsmidt

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

@noog

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

@lunchyprices

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

@Loli_Sug

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

@thereverendcink

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

@GetCougarized

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?