How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
lol
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.