How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans: