How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.