How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.