How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
You Might Also Like
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs