How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.