@meganamram

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

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@DaddyJew

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”

@StruggleDisplay

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

@squirrel74wkgn

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

@ColIegeStudent

Parent teacher conferences in college:

Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life

@Home_Halfway

ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager

@GingerHotDish

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

@LIWIKZ

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while