How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
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Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My inexpensive home security system…
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children