How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
This is a sub tweet