How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
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AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows