“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.