How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I’ve been drinking.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
My Plans 2020
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]