How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.