How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Challenge accepted.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.