How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky