How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
You Might Also Like
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
$4 #usedbooks
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.