How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
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Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
honestly, i need both:
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Lmao
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.