How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
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With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.