How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
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In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
plant them where lol
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again